panic attack

Assalamualaikum..

 

Baby, yesterday your walid scold me for being so late. Well, he didn't really scold me out loud. He just didn't say anything. And he didn't even look at me. So I know he is mad. I didn't blame him. After all, his buka puasa meal is with me. Its already azan when I walk out from the office. But sometimes, I wish your walid would understand that I can no longer walk fast as I used to. That I could no longer carry heavy stuff like I used to. That I am super sensitive these days. We've been married for 6 months now. And I am 4 months pregnant. Everything is fast. So, I learn to let go fast.

 

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Back to your story, my dearest baby.

 

We are unsure what to do. And mummy insist for doctor's confirmation on the pregnancy. We manage to keep our mouth shut for a couple of days before we went to a clinic for check up.

 

Being myself, I am not satisfied with only one doctor's confirmation. Well, the doctor did nothing actually besides asking when is my last menstrual and whether I have taken the urine test.

 

We went for Tunku Azizah Maternity Home for a second opinion. There, mummy took second urine test and went for scanning. So, it was confirmed that mummy pregnant. We were overjoyed! Your walid quickly spread the news and we call both of grandma's.

 

Days passes, the panic kicks in.

 

Mummy couldn't stop thinking of our future and whatever comes along with it. How would you survive? How would I survive? Will I survive? Will I still be alive after giving birth? Our financial?? Mummy and walid is still living in your grand's house back and forth. Who is going to take cares of you? I am not going to leave my baby in a nursery in his early years, at least up until his first year, that's for sure. I want to quit my job, but mummy don't want to trouble your walid. We can't afford to raise you with only one of us working. Both mummy and your walid has just started to get to know each other. Can we take care of each other? Can he takes care of you and me? This is too soon! Too much to think at one time!!

 

Finally, mummy broke into tears when your walid asked me what's in my head as he didn't see my bubbly face anymore. It was after a Maghrib prayer. He hugged me and I cried even more. He said he did a lot of thinking as well. Yes baby, your walid and I was at mess that time.

 

Then he convince me, that everything will be alright. That he will be right next to me for everything which comes, for better or worse. He waited until I stop crying. then he went downstairs.

 

10-15 minutes later, I came down to the living area. I look at your walid's face. There's a trace of tears where he tried so much to keep from me. His lashes were wet, I can see that. But I don't say anything. I remained silent, and sat very close to him.

 

We both look at the television. Or so it seems..