those tiny fingernails

Assalamualaikum..

 

Hi baby, I guess you are still not ready to show us whether you are Adam or Eve. But rest assured, whoever you'll turn into, I promised you to love you no matter what. I promised to not push you for something that you don't want to do, especially in regards to your future. I will stick by you no matter what.

 

And for the first time, I get to see your fingernails. Cute cute cute!!!!! Aaaaaa... I can't get enough of it!! Can't wait to see you! 

 

Mummy have started to attend Syaria Diploma classes. A bit tiring, but what the heck. All for the purpose of knowledge. Never in my mind that I will continue studying while pregnant. But I guess, this whole entire period makes me realise on a future planning. Obviously, my ultimate goal is to be a fulltime mother to all my kids, insyaAllah, keep praying for the best. I pray hard that one day Allah will bless us with sufficient fund for walid and mummy so that walid will allow mummy to be a fulltime mummy.

 

On the other note, your beloved makngah have safely delivered one baby boy. I can tell you that I really love babies! You guys are addictive!

4 months to go

Assalamualaikum...

Baby, this mark my 20th weeks of pregnancy. Both mummy and walid are sooooo excited to see you. Most probably we can identify your gender in our next check-up (which in few days to come)!!

You know what, this few days mummy becomes super duper manja and attached to your walid. I really hope to raise you in a very loving environment. And I can't wait to feel your first kick.

I've been dreaming of you a lot lately. You have the cutest lips like your walid, pointy nose like mummy, fair skin like your granny, and you are the chubby-licious baby ever!!!

Please tell me that your mummy is not crazy for a missing a baby which is not yet born.. but, I really really reallyyyy misses you and just can't wait to meet you, darling!!  

Ya Allah, I pray for the safety of my baby and may you bless us and unite us in good health.. InsyaAllah.

panic attack

Assalamualaikum..

 

Baby, yesterday your walid scold me for being so late. Well, he didn't really scold me out loud. He just didn't say anything. And he didn't even look at me. So I know he is mad. I didn't blame him. After all, his buka puasa meal is with me. Its already azan when I walk out from the office. But sometimes, I wish your walid would understand that I can no longer walk fast as I used to. That I could no longer carry heavy stuff like I used to. That I am super sensitive these days. We've been married for 6 months now. And I am 4 months pregnant. Everything is fast. So, I learn to let go fast.

 

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Back to your story, my dearest baby.

 

We are unsure what to do. And mummy insist for doctor's confirmation on the pregnancy. We manage to keep our mouth shut for a couple of days before we went to a clinic for check up.

 

Being myself, I am not satisfied with only one doctor's confirmation. Well, the doctor did nothing actually besides asking when is my last menstrual and whether I have taken the urine test.

 

We went for Tunku Azizah Maternity Home for a second opinion. There, mummy took second urine test and went for scanning. So, it was confirmed that mummy pregnant. We were overjoyed! Your walid quickly spread the news and we call both of grandma's.

 

Days passes, the panic kicks in.

 

Mummy couldn't stop thinking of our future and whatever comes along with it. How would you survive? How would I survive? Will I survive? Will I still be alive after giving birth? Our financial?? Mummy and walid is still living in your grand's house back and forth. Who is going to take cares of you? I am not going to leave my baby in a nursery in his early years, at least up until his first year, that's for sure. I want to quit my job, but mummy don't want to trouble your walid. We can't afford to raise you with only one of us working. Both mummy and your walid has just started to get to know each other. Can we take care of each other? Can he takes care of you and me? This is too soon! Too much to think at one time!!

 

Finally, mummy broke into tears when your walid asked me what's in my head as he didn't see my bubbly face anymore. It was after a Maghrib prayer. He hugged me and I cried even more. He said he did a lot of thinking as well. Yes baby, your walid and I was at mess that time.

 

Then he convince me, that everything will be alright. That he will be right next to me for everything which comes, for better or worse. He waited until I stop crying. then he went downstairs.

 

10-15 minutes later, I came down to the living area. I look at your walid's face. There's a trace of tears where he tried so much to keep from me. His lashes were wet, I can see that. But I don't say anything. I remained silent, and sat very close to him.

 

We both look at the television. Or so it seems..

the first news

Assalamualaikum.

Hi baby, now mummy is in 17 weeks of pregnancy and mummy cant wait for the latest addition in our family of two (mummy and your walid).. >.<

 

Mummy thinks the first time mummy had a hunch that mummy was carrying you in my stomach is on the first 2 weeks itself, when your walid hit a bumper on the road and I feels funny inside my stomach. A sudden feel to protect whatever inside it, without knowing what it really was. But mummy didn't tell anyone of course, especially to your anxious walid. Like, who would have known their pregnancy on the first few week, right? Instead, I just told him to slow down the motorcycle without directly telling him anything.

 

Come the forth weeks, your walid and I went for one marathon event. Well baby, you should have known by now that your mummy is an adrenaline seeker and likes to think big. This is the first time mummy joined a marathon event. Mummy knows by now, I am few days late for my menstrual circle.

Your walid run fast. I don't want to be left far, so I just keep my phase and stop for a second or two to control my breathing. As my leg is moving and my mind is pushing me not to quit, my heart is racing, "what if I really got pregnant? would this running effect my baby?" .. By now, my stomach feel so much pain. like a period pain. So I just think that maybe this is just a PMS thingy. But deep down, I pray hard "Ya Allah, if you have choose me to carry a baby, please make it safe. Please make it as tough as the mother or even tougher. Ya Allah, if this is a gift from you for me and my hubby, please don't take it away. Even though I am not sure how to be a mother, I will learn, I promise you, Ya Allah!".

 

And of course, being me, I didn't tell anyone what I feel that moment.

 

Days passes. Mummy is late almost two weeks for menstrual cycle. so, I cant keep it to myself anymore. Mummy then asked your walid to buy pregnancy kit. Your walid looked at mummy for a few seconds before he looked away. I saw hope in your walid's face. But I also see his fear and worries at the same time. He didn't say anything. Yes, your father is a man of few words.

 

That night we plan for a balik kampung trip with your grandma. There is a wedding in Singapore to attend to. Suddenly your walid stop at the nearby pharmacy and he ask me out of the car. And we went to medical section where we find the pregnancy kit. Mummy purposely took the one with two test kit inside. The rest of the journey, we didn't say anything. But my mind is full with questions and possibilities. I am sure your walid is just as same as mummy.  

 

"Have you taken the test yet?" your walid asked me before going to sleep. "Not yet", so I answered.

 

I could not sleep well. I woke up early that morning. I took out the pregnancy kit and bring it to the bathroom. I've heard people said that the first urine in the morning is the most accurate HCG level. With bismillah, I took the test.

 

I couldn't believe my eyes! I checked it, counter checked and triple checked the instruction and information on the box again until I am certain. I woke your walid up from his sleep. I didn't say anything, I just show him the pregnancy kit together with the information box.

 

After a while, "Pregnant?" he asked.

 

I smiled. "yes, you are going to be a father!".

 

I cried. He hugged me.